Fallout
by FoxChaos
Summary: Pezberry to Brittana to heavily implied Berritana. A series of 7 parts in which feelings are hurt, words are mismanaged, and Rachel learns to listen just as Santana learns to speak. Based on the song "Fallout" by Marianas Trench, though not at all a songfic.
1. Part 1: The Beginning

"_I can't keep doing this."_

"_W-what? What do you mean? I thought we-"_

"_No. There wasn't… There was never a we, okay? …I gotta go…"_

"_B- Wait-! Santana I don't-"_

"_I'm sorry. I'm just not…I'm just not ready."_

That had been two weeks ago, and Rachel was still just as confused and shattered as ever.

It hurt. It hurt so, so much, and what made the ache nearly unbearable was that she had to see _them _together. Every day. As if everything was perfectly fine and happy and Santana hadn't smashed Rachel's heart, and wasn't grinding her heel into it every time she did _anything _with Brittany in public.

And it just stung _so damn bad_.

_You said you weren't ready_, she thought to herself angrily as she tried to focus on retaining a calm exterior while all but throwing her books into her locker at the end of the day. _You said you weren't ready, but what you really meant was that you couldn't bring yourself to be out with a __**loser**__. _She felt her throat constrict and froze for a moment, biting her tongue and closing her eyes as she took long, deep breaths. She needed calm down. She needed to keep herself together and just hold her head up high. She needed to-

Laughter drifted down the nearly empty hallway and her chest tightened like a vice grip. Against everything in her body telling her to just _not look_ she couldn't help it. Turning her head just down the hall, Rachel dared to allow her gaze to fall on the cause of it all; Santana Lopez, with Brittany Peirce, kissing, and holding each other, and laughing, and just-

She needed to find a bathroom. Or the auditorium.

Choking back the sob that was determined to make its way known, Rachel hurriedly closed her locker and all but raced past the couple, doing her best to ignore the painfully casual "Hey Rach" from Santana and Brittany as she sped by.

The moment she was in the safety of the dark wings the singer broke, collapsing in a corner hidden by the secondary curtains and sobbing, even as she tried her best to swallow it all down and keep the tears from flowing.

_It's not fair. It's not fair. I want to __**hate **__you, Santana. I want to hate you so bad and I __**can't**__ and I hate that too. _

"Fuck you, Santana Lopez," she whispered harshly to the empty air between the whimpers and tears. "_Fuck you_."


	2. Part 2

She didn't know how long she stayed there, well after school hours and not even wanting to go home, because so much of her house and room reminded her of Santana. Rachel was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn't hear footsteps coming towards her until a quiet voice hit her ears,

"Rachel? Rachel is that you?"

The petite diva shot her head up. "T-Tina?"

The moment the other girl saw the tears and she was hurrying to her friend and calling out, "Kurt, Mercedes, I found her!" Wrapping Rachel up in a tight hug she frowned, eyebrows furrowed in worry. "Rachel what happened?"

Kurt and Mercedes appeared around the curtain just then, quickly kneeling down around their friend with equally worried expressions on their features. Tina was hugging her, Mercedes was rubbing her back, and Kurt was holding her hands, and it was just so nice to actually have friends who cared, even if they just reminded her that Santana had said she cared and-

Another sob wracked her body and the three exchanged glances. Tina tried again. "Rachel, hey, it's okay- Or, well, I mean it will be right? What's wrong? You know you can talk to us."

Mercedes squeezed her shoulder and Kurt nodded. "What's wrong, Little Diva?" asked the young man.

"Come on, girl, you know we got your back."

Rachel smiled as best she could, sniffling and shrugging haplessly. "There's not much to tell anymore" came the hoarse reply, and were it any other time she'd have been incredibly worried about what this was doing to her vocal cords.

"Obviously there is or you wouldn't be sitting on a dark stage crying your eyes out," answered Kurt. "At least not when it isn't for some new, off-Broadway performance that you're secretly rehearsing for."

That got a small, strained laugh out of the smaller girl, and she leaned back against the wall behind her, taking in a deep breath to compose herself first. She needed to talk about this, she knew. She was so tired of locking it all up and having to go at it alone. She was used to being alone, and handling things alone, but now she had friends, so she didn't have to do that anymore. It was still taking time to adjust to that idea, but Rachel figured this was as good a step as any.

"It happened… Well, awhile ago, really…"

_Noah's party was as big and alcohol-filled as ever, and Rachel was just glad that it wasn't at her house this time. She had lost Tina and Mercedes at some point during the night and was nursing a wine cooler out on the back porch, away from the noise and hormonal jocks that would want to fuck her tonight and throw a slushy at her in the morning._

_She heard the glass doors slide open, then closed, and then Santana was sitting next to her with several wine coolers in hand. The taller girl took a swig of the opened one, setting the others off to the side. "So, what's the hobbit doing out here away from Diva 3 and Asian 1?" The girl's tone was casual, and she was learning back on one hand, just staring out into the backyard, as though talking to Rachel Berry on a Friday night at a Puckerman party was completely normal._

_Rachel was mostly just waiting for a slushy ambush, and tried to discreetly glance around. Santana must have noticed, though, because she just laughed and nudged Rachel with her shoulder. "Chill out, hobbit. S'not a trap. Promise."_

_Rachel eyed Santana with no less suspicion. "Forgive me for doubting your word…"_

_That caused another snicker from the cheerleader, who just shrugged and took another sip of her drink. "Please. I keeps it realz, which means I don't lie. Now answer the question."_

_Rachel raised a confused eyebrow. "I'm sorry…?" Santana had asked her question?_

"_Ay Dios- Why you out here alone?"_

_Oh, right, that question. Rachel shrugged, taking a small sip of her wine cooler. "I can't find Mercedes and Tina, and some jock was getting a little too handsy for my liking so-"_

"_I'm sorry, what?"_

_Annoyed at being interrupted and confused by the cause, Rachel reiterated. "A jock was feeling me up in a way I did not appreciate, so I came outside to get some fresh air." When she looked back at Santana she was surprised to see the girl glaring. She leaned back a bit. "Um… I'm not sure what I said but-"_

"_Who was it?"_

_Rachel blinked. "Excuse me?"_

"_Who was coppin' a feel, Berry?"_

_Rachel blinked again, before shaking her head and returning her gaze to the dark expanse of grass. "It doesn't matter. I didn't recognize him, nor did I stick around very long to attempt to identify him."_

_Then an arm was wrapping around her shoulder and she was being pulled into the Cheerio's side. Immediately her body tensed up, but if Santana noticed she didn't say anything about it, instead saying, "Listen, if __**any **__of those assholes try fucking with you like that, you come get Auntie Snixx, kay? I'll give 'em a nice reminder of hows we do it in the Heights." _

_Rachel was floored. Was Santana offering her… protection? Sort of…? What was going on?_

"_Um… I'm confused… You… you can't stand me, Santana…" She tried putting some distance between them, but the other girl just tightened her grip and pulled her back in. Despite herself. Rachel couldn't deny that the taller brunette was warm, and firm, and the hold was oddly securing. _

"_You're like, I dunno, like this little puppy or whatever."_

"_Excuse me?" Should she be insulted? She felt like she should be insulted. But the Cheerio just grinned._

"_No, no.. Like a kitten. That's better. You're not like, helpless or whatever, cause kitty got clawz,but sometimes people bigger than you try'an step on you and shit and you end up just dodging and hissing and going on like it ain't a thing."_

_Rachel was… still confused, but somewhat less insulted. "I… I appreciate a good metaphor, but you've lost me on this one, Santana…"_

"_Shhh. Stop yappin' an' lemme finish. Anyway. I like cats, and kittens, and even though sometimes yer really, really annoying, it's like, impossible to completely ignore and hate you once you get under someone's skin. So."_

"…_So…?"_

"_So people who kick kittens are fuckin' disgusting and I'll tear their eyes out and chop their limbs off if it happens."_

_Rachel blinked a few times, trying to digest exactly what this __**clearly very drunk **__Santana was trying to tell her. "…So you like me… even if you don't want to… and even though you're okay with people slushying me anything else is… too far and that makes you upset."_

"_Pissed. It makes me pissed."_

"_Oh… Okay. Well, thank you then, Santana. I think…"_

_The girl shrugged, pressing Rachel into her side, and eventually the diva gave in and rested her head on the cheerleader's shoulder. "No prob, hobbit."_

"After that we… Well we got closer, I suppose. I mean, she didn't exactly hide our friendship here in school, after all, and she eventually got tired of seeing me covered in ice and food dye so she did stop the slushies. Anyway, things… progressed, I suppose you could say…"

"Progressed _how_?" asked Kurt. Rachel began to tear up again, but took another shuddering breath and continued.

"We… we fell in love, I suppose…"

_They were in Santana's room, just cuddled up on the taller girl's bed. Rachel was snuggled happily against Santana's chest, with the other girl's arms wrapped protectively around her and hands drawing various odd and incoherent shapes on her back._

_It was perfect, and she was happy. Happier than she had ever been with Finn, or Jessie, or Noah… So she said that. "You make me happy." It was just a small whisper, more because the moment felt like a whisper-moment than because she was at all unsure of her words. The girl wrapped around her pressed in a little more, setting her chin firmly atop Rachel's head and humming in contentment. _

"_Good," came a soft chuckle. "That's the plan."_

_And something just… changed… Like suddenly the little missing pieces fell into place and Rachel just __**knew **__what she had to do next. _

_Twisting suddenly to move atop Santana and straddle her waist, she pulled the taller girl into a kiss, no warning and no pretext. _

_It didn't take long for Santana to recuperate, and suddenly Rachel was on her back, Santana hovering over and slipping her tongue between the diva's lips. Hips met hips, knowing hands massaged soft breast, and with only a short exchanging of looks a nod from Rachel (one of pure __**certainty**__) Santana was slowly removing the smaller girl's clothing, working her way down as she laid soft kisses up and down Rachel's neck and chest._

_Rachel was on fire. She felt hot, and wanton, and couldn't seem to keep her hands off the girl above her. She grabbed at anything she could, trying to find some kind of anchor as every touch from the cheerleader sent little shocks through her system and every kiss left a blissfully pleasant burn in its wake. _

_There was only a short pause from Santana as her fingers skimmed the edge of Rachel's panties, and the singer whined, bucking her hips up again in reply to the silent question. With a soft smirk Santana leaned up, pressing a positively dirty kiss to Rachel's hot and willing mouth, twining her tongue with the diva's as she slipped her fingers under the girl's waistband and teased through the hot, wet folds. _

"_S-Santana, San please, please. Don't tease. Not now. Please" The begging became a personal mantra that Rachel breathed out over and over again as her hands curled around the Cheerio's arms, nails digging into tanned skin and hard biceps as her hips rocked, physically pleading with the girl above her to increase the pressure, touch her more, do __**something. **__"Please. In-inside. Please." Santana complied, slowly slipping a single digit through the wet folds and into the diva's core. Immediately Rachel shuddered in pleasure, gasping and pulling Santana in for another kiss. As the taller brunette began to increase her pace she added another finger, and before Rachel even had time to properly adjust the fingers were __**curling up and in **__and hitting __**that perfect spot **__and-_

"_Oh-oh God- San- Santanaaa-!" It should have been embarrassing how quickly she came, but she couldn't help it. It felt like her body had been waiting for this exact moment all her life, and as she slowly came down from her high, muscles falling limp and breathing completely erratic still, she could feel the skilled fingers inside her pumping in and out at an increasingly slower pace, massaging out the aftershocks even as soft limps nipped and sucked at her neck and her ears. When her world stopped spinning and her lungs were back under her control, the singer moved up shaky hands to Santana's cheeks, looking her straight in her dark, full-blown eyes, and smiling softly, a light flush still on her cheeks and down to her chest. "You're incredible. And I think I could love you."_

_Santana's only reply was to kiss her again, softer this time, with less fight for dominance and more a need to explore. Then a thumb was sweeping across Rachel's clit._

_It was going to be a long night._

"Wait, wait, hold up. You two _had sex? _Like, legit bumpin' uglies and grindin' the carpet?"

Rachel rolled her eyes at Mercedes choice of words, but nodded. "Yes, we did. And after the first… few times that night, we continued. As I said, we got very close… and I hadn't been lying when I told her that I thought I could love her…"

Tina rested her head on Rachel's shoulder. "You did… didn't you? You fell for her and…"

The tears were back, along with the never-ending ache in her chest. She couldn't bring herself to speak for moment, just cry softly and try to take comfort in the presence of her three closest friends.

"She… I don't know, to be honest. She said… She said she wasn't ready." The last part came out as more of a sob than real words, but the effect was the same. Several moments passed with Kurt and Tina offering soft words of encouragement and Mercedes pulling her into a tight hug before she could go on. "It was two weeks ago, about. We were- We were at my house, and I…" she swallowed the lump in her throat. "I guess I knew something was wrong. She had been acting differently. And we hadn't… We hadn't been _together _for almost a week, which was unheard of for us and-"

"_Santana, what's wrong…?"_

_The other girl wouldn't look at her. Her back was turned, her arms were crossed, and even under the Cheerios jacket Rachel could tell her shoulders were tensed. _

"_San, please, talk to me. You know you can."_

_Finally the taller brunette turned to face her, and Rachel's face fell at the look. Warms brown eyes were hard, and a tight frown had etched itself over the other girl's full lips. _

"…_San…?"_

_The cheerleader sighed heavily, dropping her arms and shaking her head, her features softening as she continued to look at the confused, vulnerable singer in front of her. _

"_I can't keep doing this."_

"_W-what? What do you mean? I thought we-"_

"_No. There wasn't… There was never a we, okay? …I gotta go…"_

"_B- Wait-! Santana I don't-"_

"_I'm sorry. I'm just not…I'm just not ready."_

_The door closed and Rachel heard Santana's car speed off. She just stood there, frozen in her spot, as though her mind hadn't quite caught up with what was going on – with what had just happened. "I don't… I don't understand…" she murmured to herself. Than the tears came. She hadn't even noticed them until she felt heat trailing down her cheeks and could taste salt on her lips. What had she done? Had she pushed too far? Was this- Had this all been some kind of game? Had Santana __**lied **__to her? It didn't make sense._

_Frowning, her jaw setting, she hurried upstairs to her room. She needed to think, and she needed to confront Santana at school tomorrow._

"Unfortunately, Santana retained the upper hand. Because no one had known we were anything but friends, the next day at school she just… she just acted as though that's all we had ever been. She said good morning to me, offered a polite smile, then- then linked pinkies with Brittany and went on her way…"

Kurt's eyes suddenly narrowed. "Wait wait wait. Two weeks ago? Brittany and Santana came out as a couple a week ago."

Mercedes's eyes widened, then narrowed just as dangerously. "Shut. The Front. Door. How long were you two together?"

Rachel looked down. Mercedes pushed more.

"Girl you know I ain't playin'. How long were you and Satan a thing?"

A pause, and then, "…six months…" she muttered, more tears escaping her eyes. Honestly, Rachel was surprised she had any left at this point. Kurt and Mercedes exploded.

"SIX MONTHS? That bitch gets with you for six fricken months, breaks up wit'chu for no damn reason, and then comes out with Brittany a week after! Oh I am gonna tear that girl ta-" she was already up and moving, but Rachel's hand shot out, grabbing her wrist.

"Mercedes please, just don't, okay? Please."

Kurt's head snapped to Rachel. "Rachel, you can't be serious. She _played you_. She _hurt you_. And now she's flaunting it around like it's perfectly fine! How can you- I mean how can you just _sit here_?"

"What am I supposed to do, Kurt?" snapped the small singer before her body was wracked with sobs. She tightened her hands into fists. "What am I supposed to _do_? She was never mine. Not really. And I just-"

Tina sighed softly, tears in her eyes as she watched her normally strong and confident friend shatter right in front of her. "You still love her. You still care about her, don't you?"

Rachel couldn't do anything but shrug. "I just wish I knew why she was… Why she still talked to me, and- and treated me like a normal friend, or-or-or why she couldn't just pretend I never existed" sobbed Rachel. "That would be easier to handle. I could handle being invisible. But I can't handle this."

"Maybe she thinks she at least owes you her friendship?" offered the other brunette carefully. Kurt just scoffed.

"Or maybe she's sadistic little _bitch_."

"_Kurt_, _please_."

Kurt sighed, and Mercedes shoulders sagged. "Alright, up and out, guys. We're goin' to my place for a girls night, plus Kurt. You need rice cream, horror movies, and mindless gossip, diva." With that the three pulled Rachel to her feet and led her outside to the parking long. Kurt and Mercedes had ridden together, and Tina had ridden with Mike, who had already left after she had promised to tell him if she found Rachel, and so took Rachel's keys and offered to drive for her. The petite diva obliged without a fight, and they were off.

No one had noticed the tanned cheerleader standing in the shadows of the backstage just a few feet behind the third curtain, leaning against the wall and biting her lip, hands clenched tight and eyes clamped shut. She didn't move until she was sure they had gone, and when the doors to the auditorium had banged closed she finally let herself slide down to crouch on the floor, wrapped her arms around her legs, and cried.


	3. Part 3

A night of talking with her friends and watching incredibly gory movies had done Rachel some good. She had even managed to mostly avoid Santana in the halls and force out a polite, mostly-casual hello when the other girl had said good morning too her. Everything was going about as well as could be expected until lunch, when, on her way to the choir room to practice a song she wanted to show at Glee in hopes to have it chosen for Regionals, she was suddenly pulled into a bathroom.

Before she could scream, though, a soft, too-familiar hand was over her mouth. "Don't scream," a hurried voice told her, and her spine stiffened against her wishes.

The person backed up slowly, letting her hand fall away from Rachel's mouth. The diva turned around and wasn't too surprised to be proven right; it was Santana.

Steeling her gaze and her heart, desperately ignoring the way her lungs constricted and how her eyes were already beginning to sting, she crossed her arms tightly over her chest and glared. "Is there a reason you had to manhandle me into a bathroom, Santana?"

The taller girl crossed her arms as well, holding her head up and shrugging. "I needed to talk to you."

_No_,thought Rachel firmly. She spun on her heel and headed for the door. "I have nothing to say to you." She felt her wrist being grabbed and she spun back around, forced to face the taller girl despite herself.

"Rachel, please, just listen to me for a sec-"

Ripping her wrist away from the Cheerio's grasp, Rachel stomped her foot, letting the hurt become anger. It was her last defense. "Stop. Just stop Santana. I get it, okay? Whatever you and I had, if anything, is over and done with. No need to shove that any more in my face than you already have-"

"_Rachel" _Santana tried again.

But Rachel was on a roll. "I said to stop! You- you have no right to- to come here and tell me to let you _explain anything_. Not after-" Her throat tightened, choking out her words for a moment. Santana moved forward, eyebrows furrowed, but Rachel just took a step back. "_Don't_." she choked out. "Just _don't,_ Santana. You made yourself clear. You want Brittany."

"But I-"

"Stop it."

"_Rachel_, _please." _The taller brunette was pleading now, a hand outstretched towards the shorter girl.

"NO!" Rachel finally screamed, slamming her back against the bathroom door, eyes squarely on the tiles under her feet as she tried desperately to hold herself together just a little longer. Santana took a step back at the outburst, the word still echoing off the tiles. It was dead silent then, until they both heard Kurt calling out from somewhere outside the door.

"Rachel? Is that you?" He was next to the door now, knocking. "Hun, are you okay?"

Taking the opportunity for what it was, Rachel hurriedly spun around, opening the door up and walking out. As she intertwined her arm with Kurt's and began walking them towards the choir room she forced a wide smile on her face. "Kurt, just the man I wanted to see. I was hoping to speak to you about a duet for Regionals?"

Kurt glared back suspiciously at swinging door. He hadn't seen who Rachel had been speaking to, but had a pretty good idea. Deciding to drop it for now he placed a hand over Rachel's arm and matched her pace. "What a coincidence, I wanted to speak to you about the same. To the choir room, then?"

"Indeed. Let's go."

Back in the bathroom Santana took a deep, shuddering breath, fists tight against her sides. Suddenly she lashed out, slamming open palms into the door with a resounding _bang._ "Fuck," she whispered harshly. _"Fuck," _she said again, this time through a tight breath and shaking shoulders.


	4. Part 4

A few days later and Rachel thought she was getting better.

Or at least getting better at pretending everything was perfectly fine and that she wasn't this horribly messy blob of emotion and bitterness.

Thankfully, after the showdown in the bathroom Kurt, Mercedes, and Tina had taken to being at Rachel's side as much as possible. They surrounded her during Glee, flanked her in the halls, and always kept a sharp eye out for Santana. And Rachel was grateful for all of this; she really was. It was just…

Santana wasn't exactly making it easy for Rachel to ignore her.

At least once a day she'd try to approach the little diva, with or without Brittany, and each time Mercedes and Kurt would glare at her and block her off. She'd sigh, let her shoulders sag just a bit, and walk away.

That wouldn't really have been a big issue if Rachel didn't catch the look the Cheerio would throw her way as she walked off. It was just _sad_. And in all honesty? It made her angry, because since when did _Santana _have the right to feel that way? _It's her own fault. I did nothing wrong. Nothing at all._ She'd tell herself that over and over again, and she knew without reservation that it was the truth. This wasn't on her. This was all on Santana.

But… still…

She thought about what had happened in the bathroom more than she cared to and part of her felt like maybe she should give the cheerleader a chance to explain things.

Of course that part was always squashed rather quickly, because she didn't owe the other girl _anything. _

_I don't have to listen to a word she says. She had her chance to talk before she walked out, and why should I hear her out when she refused to hear me? It's completely ridiculous and she's insane if she thinks I would ever compromise myself like that. _Groaning, the girl set her head down on her desk. English was as tedious as ever and she already had her essay done three days ago. Which meant she had too much time think, and it was giving her a headache.

As much as she just wanted to ignore everything, she was just so damn _curious_. She really, really wanted to know what the Cheerio had possibly been thinking when she cut things off…

The diva sighed, rubbing her temples in frustration. _I need to talk to someone… If I keep thinking about this on my own I'll just continue to go in circles and it will all be completely counterproductive. Also, I fear that if I lose any more sleep over the situation my health will surely suffer. We're too close to Regionals. I can't afford that. _Running through the short list of people she could possibly go to about the issue, Kurt and Mercedes were immediately crossed out.

The two were in full guard-dog mode and wouldn't do anything but get angry and defensive for her.

That left Tina, which, well, it seemed the obvious choice now that she thought about it. Tina was loyal, and a good listener, and gave her opinion without necessarily pushing it. _She'll offer a different perspective_, thought Rachel with a relieved sigh. _That's exactly what I need._

The bell rang, throwing her from her thoughts, and she hurriedly grabbed her books and sped out the door. She shared the class with Santana, and the taller girl sat just a few seats behind her. Rachel couldn't afford to catch sight of her, and she needed to find Tina anyway.

Rachel was at home, curled up on her bed, surrounded by her stuffed animals, and talking on the phone with Tina. Neither of them had had any time to speak during or after school, but the moment she got home from ballet and vocal lessons the singer had flipped her phone out and dialed up the self-proclaimed goth.

"_So what did you wanna talk about, Rach?"_ asked Tina from the other end of the phone. Rachel sighed, flopping back onto her matress.

"I… kinda want to hear Santana out… But at the same time, I know I don't owe her that privilege, but I'm really curious at the same time as to what she could be thinking or wanting to say and… well… I just really a second opinion, I suppose…"

The line was quiet for a moment, and Rachel could practically see Tina biting her lip in thought. Then,

"_I think you should do it."_

That… actually surprised Rachel. Her brows furrowed and she frowned. But Tina kept going.

"_You keep looking at it as though you're giving into Santana, or giving her something she doesn't deserve, but what about you?"_

"I'm not sure I follow…"

"_I think you owe it to yourself to hear what she has to say. I think you deserve to know the full story. This is about what __**you **__deserve, not what Santana wants from you."_

Rachel smiled softly. "Thank you, Tina… I believe that is exactly what I needed to hear…"

"_Of course! That's what friends are for. So… party line?" _

"I'll dial in Kurt, you get Mercedes."

The night ended on a better note than it had begun, and Rachel decided to use the weekend to compose herself, focus on school and her lessons, and take Kurt and Mercedes up on that shopping trip they had offered.

Come Sunday evening she opened her Contacts up, scrolled down Santana's name, and sent her a simple text.

**Santana Lopez**

_I am willing to hear you out._


	5. Part 5

She didn't get a text back until the next day, asking her to meet Santana after Glee, outside by the bleachers.

That left more than enough time for Rachel to question…oh… _everything_.

_What if this is really just a prank? What if she just wants to make sure I know we're through? What if- I really need to stop doing this to myself… _It was only 3rd period and already she felt like she was going to go insane. She hadn't told Kurt or Mercedes about her plan to speak with the Cheerio, and if they noticed anything beyond her usual forced smiles and avoidance of looking at anyone in a Cheerios uniform they didn't mention it.

It had, however, gotten to the point where all the odd behavior had caught the attention of the rest of the club.

Finn had asked if she was okay, offering to beat someone up if they had hurt her. She had thanked him for the sentiment but otherwise waved him off.

Noah had been about the same, and at some point he, Mike, Finn, and Sam had all cornered her. Once again she had said that it was nothing she couldn't handle, but appreciated that they cared.

Artie hadn't really said anything, just offered a sad, understanding smile. She returned it, wondering, in part, how he felt about this whole ordeal. Not the part where she was involved, but between Santana and Brittany. He seemed genuinely happy for the pair, and Rachel had seen him talking amiably to both girls on a few occasions.

Blaine had just hugged her and walked away, and if she was honest with herself that was probably the best thing anyone had done for her outside of those who knew what was actually going on.

Mr. Shue had offered his ear, which she declined politely, and even Quinn had noticed that something was clearly off. It was hardest to keep up the act with the blonde, ex-Cheerio. The girl was persistent, and just as good at reading her as she was at reading Quinn. But she had managed, and Quinn had let it drop, albeit very reluctantly.

The end of the day came slowly, and by the time Mr. Shuester dismissed them all from Glee Rachel couldn't leave fast enough.

Only offering a quick farewell to her friends and gleemates the diva hurried to her locker to grab her things, and made her way just as hurriedly to the bleachers. Not surprisingly Santana wasn't there yet. She had practically left them all in the dust in her haste to get outside.

So Rachel waited patiently, all her nerves coming back full force.

She was terrified. So completely terrified that whatever happened was only going to cause her more hurt. She wasn't sure she could handle her heart taking any more of an emotional beating…

A throat cleared behind her, and Rachel turned around slowly, taking in a deep breath to steady her nerves and solidify her mask.

Santana stood there in her Cheerios jacket and track pants, hands in her pockets and looking just as worn out and tired as Rachel felt. The diva spoke first. "Well? You wanted to talk, so… talk."

The taller brunette stepped forward, closing the distance between them in a few quick strides, stopping only a couple of feet away from the other girl. Rachel could smell her perfume. Her far-too-pleasantly-familiar perfume, and her chest was already starting to constrict; at least, more so. She hadn't felt anything but anxious since three weeks ago.

"I'm sorr-"

"No," interrupted the tiny singer quickly, taking a small step back. "Don't apologize. You don't get to apologize for something you aren't sorry for."

Santana's jaw tightened and her eyes narrowed for a moment, then she let out a rush of air. "Can you please just let me talk?"

Rachel looked down, arms folded tightly, and nodded without a word.

"_I'm sorry _for hurting you. And for fucking things up. I didn't…" A pause, a tired sigh, "I still love you, Rachel…"

Time. Froze. Rachel was sure of it.

Out of all the things she had expected Santana to say; everything she had possibly planned for and all the scenarios her overactive imagination had managed to spin; that had never been in _any _of the possibilities.

Her heart was thundering against ribs that felt too tight and lungs that had forgotten how to expend properly. Which didn't matter too much because her throat felt so horribly constricted that she wasn't sure she'd have been able to use them anyway. "W-what?" she managed to force out. It was strained, and her voice cracked halfway through the single word.

Rachel could hear Santana swallow thickly. "I still love you."

There it was again. But that couldn't- Santana didn't- She had _left her_.

That thought served well to fire the diva back up, and when she locked eyes with Santana the Cheerio's looked startled at the sharp glare being thrown at her. "_No_," hissed out Rachel. "You can't- You can't do that, Santana. You can't just- You-" She was suddenly so completely frustrated and confused that words failed her completely.

What was going on?

This didn't make any sense.

"You're with _Brittany_."

Santana nodded slowly, complete uncertainty overtaking her features as she did so. "I- … I love her, too…" It was whispered. Said so quietly Rachel almost didn't hear it. Wished she hadn't all the same. She wanted to scream, and cry, and shout, and just _sob. _But she refused to show any more weakness in front of the taller girl than she already had. Santana didn't get to see that side of her anymore. So, straightening her shoulders and lifting her chin just a touch, Rachel replied bitterly,

"Well, good for you. Really, that makes me feel much better, knowing that at least you love the girl you- you-" She couldn't finish, mostly because she didn't really know how. Santana seemed to get the message, though. The girl's jaw had set once again, but this time she took a determined step forward.

"You don't understand, Rachel. I want-"

"Why should I care what you want?"

"_Rachel_. For _fuck sakes can you just fucking listen_?" Santana hadn't raised her voice yet, but the singer tell she was on the edge of letting Snix take over the conversation, and as brave a front as the diva put on, an angry Santana was terrifying. She snapped her mouth shut and glared off to the side stubbornly. "_Thank you_," pushed out the Cheerio through gritting teeth.

A few beats passed as Santana recomposed herself before speaking again. "I love both of you, Rachel. _Equally_. And I _want- _no, I _need _both of you. And I know, okay, I know it's really fucked up, and I know I fucking pissed all over your feelings before and I just- I was so fucking confused, okay? That's not an excuse. I get it. But it's all I can offer…"

Rachel shrugged coldly. "You can't always get what you want, Santana." She knew that all too well.

"But you want me, too."

That caused Rachel to stiffen again, and she absolutely refused to look at the girl infront of her. The tears stinging her eyes were too close to falling and she wouldn't be able to handle that.

"That doesn't matter. You made your decision. It's done and over with."

The cheerleader pinched the bridge of her nose. "You aren't listening to me."

At this the petite singer turned her glare back onto Santana, ignoring how watery her eyes were and how difficult it was to even breathe. "And why should I?" she yelled. "Why should I listen to anything you have to say at all! I refuse, I absolutely _refuse _to be- to be some kind of play-thing for you and Brittany. I am not, nor will I ever be, someone's second choice, or mistress, or-or-or anything of the sort!"

"That's not what I said damn it!"

"You might as well have!"

For the second time since it all began Rachel spun tightly on her heel and stormed away.

"Fuck, RACHEL! Can you just wait one fucking minute!" she heard Santana call out to her.

Stopping long enough to look behind her, she replied, "We're done, Santana. We're just _done_!"

With that she bolted to the parking lot and didn't let the tears come out until she was safe at home, in her bed, and curled up into a tight ball.

She still wanted to hate Santana with everything she had.

She still couldn't.


	6. Part 6

"_She said __**what**__?"_

Rachel was moving around her kitchen, pulling together a light afternoon snack before her vocal lessons and telling Tina how the conversation with Santana had gone down.

"Apparently she wants us both. She said she still loved me, and the she wanted both Brittany and I."

She heard the other girl scoff over the phone, which was on speaker. _"That's insane. She can't possibly expect you to be like, a second wife or something. Like how would that even work?"_

Rachel shrugged, despite Tina not being able to see it. "I don't know, Tina, but I essentially told her the same thing. I'm not just some… some kind of mistress, or throwback, or something of that nature. I am my own young woman and I deserve the respect and attention thereof."

"_You go girl! So does that mean you're definitely over her?"_

The diva bit her lip, pausing in her act of slicing some of the homemade bread her Daddy had made a few days ago.

"_Rachel?"_

"Um… I…"

The doorbell rang just then, and Rachel couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief.

"I need to go, Tina. I'll call you tonight, alright?"

"_Alrighty, Rach. Have fun at vocal lessons."_

"Thank you, Tina. Have a good after noon with Mike."

The phone beeped, signifying the end of the call, and the doorbell rang again.

"I'll be right there!" Rachel called out as she made her way through the living room and to the entryway. Unsure of who could possibly be visiting her unannounced, she looked through the one-sided window, extending up on her tip-toes to get a good look outside.

It was Brittany.

_Why is Brittany here? _thought Rachel in slight panic. _Did Santana send her? Why would she do that? That isn't even-_

This time there was a loud knock. With a deep breath, exhaling slowly to calm herself down, Rachel opened the door just enough to stand in between it and the frame. She fixed a decidedly forced smile onto her features. "Hello, Brittany! This is a surprise. What may I do for you today?"

The taller blonde looked… well… un-Brittany. She seemed nervous, fiddling with her hands in front of her and not quite looking Rachel in the eye. It was… unnerving, actually.

"Uh… Hi, Rach. Can we talk?"

_Why does everyone suddenly feel the need to talk to me? _asked the singer to herself. But still, it would be rude to let Brittany stand out in the autumn chill, and she still had an hour before her lesson, so why not? Opening the door to allow the other girl inside, she was just closing it softly behind her when Brittany turned around to face her.

"Santana told me what happened."

Rachel's hand froze on the doorknob as she felt herself instinctively stiffen. It was like second-nature ever since… it had happened. She forced her voice to remain casual and controlled. "Oh… well then… You should know that I have no intention of getting in your way and that-"

"She also told me that she talked to you…"

That made the diva pause, her head flooding with questions. _About what? That she loves me? That she loves you? That she wants me and you and that- _She decided she'd get more answers if she actually asked these questions. "What did she say…?" The question came out much quieter than she had wanted, and much weaker. Brittany stepped forward, shrugging.

"That she loves you, and me."

She kept her back to the blond Cheerio, and her hand remained on the handle.

"Yes, well, that's all well and good, but I no longer retain those feelings for her." Just saying it hurt. And it was such a _lie. _Such a horrible, horrible lie.

The ache in her chest was back full force.

She wished she had never answered the door.

"You're lying." The taller girl spoke again, pausing for a moment before going on. "Have you thought about actually giving it a chance?"

Snapping her head to look at the blond, Rachel could only gape. "_Excuse me_?"

Brittany didn't look so nervous anymore, just apprehensive, but somehow more confident. She shrugged. "Did you actually think about it?"

Sputtering, feeling the anger rise up from the pit of her stomach again, Rachel glared. "No, I haven't thought about it. There _is nothing_ to think about. Santana _made her choice_. She chose _you_. And believe me when I say that I have nothing personally against you, but it _hurt._" She couldn't stop the small sob from cutting her off at the end, but she trudged on anyway, ignoring the familiar salty sting in her eyes and how utterly concerned Brittany now looked. "We- we were together. Even if she refuses to admit it. We were together, and we were _something._ I trusted her, Brittany. I trusted her so, so much, and she just- she let everything fall down and break apart. And I can't. I can't compete with you. Santana chose everything I'm _not_."

Brittany's brows furrowed in confusion and she took a cautious step forward, one hand extended towards the shaken girl. But the brunette just shook her head fiercely, tightening her grip on the door handle and the material of her skirt. It was all she could do to keep from trembling as she spoke.

"Santana chose tall, blond, leggy, gorgeous blue eyes and perfectly popular. Someone safe to be with, even if it's another girl. Someone who's known her all her life." Her shoulders sagging as all the fire washed out of her, Rachel shrugged. "I can't compete with that, Brittany… I can never have that kind of history, or those looks, or that kind of status. I can't ever be like you, and that's what Santana wants… You." She looked down now, hand dropping away from the door as her arms wrapped around her waist. She felt small, and pathetic, and she still wanted to hate Santana, or Brittany, and she still couldn't do it.

She saw shoes come into her line of sight and looked up to see Brittany, eyes watery and a small, sad smile on her face. It was the most bizarre, heart-breaking thing Rachel had ever seen, and Rachel was already completely heartbroken. The cheerleader just shook her head, wrapping her hands gently around the smaller girl's arms. "Oh Rachel… You really haven't been listening, have you?"

She wanted to be angry, but her anger was gone. Still, Rachel tried pulling away, but was stopped by the taller girl's grip firming up just a touch.

"Rachel…" started Brittany again. "This isn't about you and me wanting Santana, or Santana wanting me, silly. This is about _us _wanting _you_."

Rachel looked up, face contorted in confusion. "…I don't understand…"

Then Brittany leaned down, kissing her lightly on the forehead. "I know. That's why you need to think about it, okay?"

Unable to do anything but nod, the petite singer did so, and Brittany moved around her, looking back for a moment as she opened the door.

"Santana doesn't lie, Rachie. She really cares about you, but also screws up really badly sometimes. I like you, and I think we'd be super hot together. Just think about it." With that she left quietly, leaving a stunned Rachel and too many questions in her wake.


	7. Part 7: The End

Rachel gave herself three days. Three days to actually sit back and really think about what she wanted, and, this time, what Santana also seemed to want. She didn't go out of her way to ignore the other girl, but she also didn't speak to her. In all honesty she didn't have anything to say just yet. Then, on Friday, she stationed herself outside the Cheerios' locker room and waited.

Three days to think.

Three days to understand. Or try to, at least.

She was ready, she decided, to have a serious, two-way conversation with Santana about… well… everything. _I'm going to listen to her this time. I'm going to actually listen, and let her speak her mind completely, and not let… well, feelings will definitely be involved no matter what, but I can't deny that I miss her, and that I want… something between us. I'm not completely sure what that something is, but anything is better than this mess going on right now._

She was pulled from her thoughts at the door swinging open and Cheerios filing out. A couple looked at her curiously, a few of the baby Cheerios smiled and waved shyly, while some upperclassmen just sneered. One decided to actually speak out. "Hey, Manhands, this is a private hallway. No ugly allowed." Before Rachel could retort a sharp voice was breaking in.

"Then why are _you _here, Jacobson?"

The dirty-blond haired cheerleader stiffened immediately at the sound of her Captain's voice.

"I asked you a question, Jacobson. You too good to answer to your Captain?"

Turning around quickly the girl shook her head. "N-no, ma'am. I'll leave right away."

Santana just rolled her eyes and waved her away; the Cheerio rushed off quickly, cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Rachel bit her lip, looking down as Santana turned her gaze on her. "I could have handled it," spoke the diva calmly. Santana shrugged, replying in a soft tone that Rachel hadn't expected,

"I know. But you shouldn't always have to."

The two stood there awkwardly for a moment, then the smaller brunette took a deep breath in, let it out slowly, and looked up to meet Santana's dark brown eyes. "Can we… Can we talk…?" To her surprise, the Cheerio's lips twitched in a small, ever so small smile, and she nodded.

"Auditorium?"

Rachel nodded, and they left the hall.

The moment they got to the auditorium Rachel went straight for the grand piano sitting off on stage left and sat down on the bench. Santana stayed standing just a few feet away, arms crossing as she dropped her duffel bag to the floor. "You wanted to talk?" asked the taller brunette. Her tone was clipped, but not unkind. Rachel took that as a good sign.

"Actually… It's more like… More like I'm ready to listen…" She made sure to meet Santana's eyes, which had softened at the words, much to the smaller girl's relief.

"Will you actually let me say what I want to say? And _not _interrupt?"

Looking down, her fingers fiddling with her skirt, Rachel nodded. She heard the other girl sigh, and then,

"I fucked up, Rachel… I didn't mean to like… I just- … Fuck…" Santana moved forward, kneeling down on one knee in front of the little singer and grabbing both her hands, forcing her to both stop nervously fidgeting and to look at the cheerleader. When she had the girl's eyes, Santana went on. "You confuse the fuck outta me, Rachel. At Puck's party I was still hung up on Britt. I meant everything I said to you, but I didn't… I didn't expect to actually start _feeling _for you. You were just like, heh… this little kitten that I wanted to protect from the big, stupid dogs, and I didn't… I never thought I'd ever see you as more than that; someone that needed protection sometimes."

Rachel swallowed thickly, could feel the words climbing up her vocal cords, but she just nodded as a way to ask Santana to continue.

"I _care about you_, Rachel. A lot. More than I really wanted to. I'm not like, trying to ignore the six months we had. I _can't_. Believe it or not those six months were really fucking awesome, because I was with you, and you were happy, and I was happy. And I know, I _know _I screwed up so fucking badly a few weeks ago. But like- When Artie and Brittany broke up she came to me, and she asked me out, and you need to understand that I spent half my life loving her…" At that Rachel tried pulling her hands away, eyes drifting away from the girl's, but the Cheerio tightened her grip and didn't speak any more until the little diva was forced to meet her gaze once more.

"But that doesn't mean I don't love you, too. I panicked. I thought it was take the chance now or lose her all over again. I didn't think I could have both, so when I thought I had to choose I-"

"Chose Brittany, I know," cut in Rachel, despite her promise she wouldn't. Santana huffed a little, and Rachel looked down again, shrugging in apology.

"Yeah… I chose Brittany. But not because you were anything less. You're_not_. And don't ever, _ever _think you are. Don't compare yourself to her._Please._ You're absolutely perfect, Rachel. I love everything that makes you Rachel Berry. I need you both in my life. _Equally._ You are not a second choice. You're not a whore. I want you to be my girlfriend, just like Brittany is. We _both _want you to be _our _girlfriend. We want to kiss you in the hall, walk you to class, cuddle in bed, all that cutesy-couply shit. _That's _what I want, and I want it with _you_."

Speechless was the best way to describe Rachel in that moment. It was the most Santana had ever said when it came to feelings in general, and she'd probably never hear half these words ever again. She knew the Cheerio was forcing her walls down and saying a lot of things she wasn't comfortable with talking about, just so that she could somehow get Rachel to understand. And Rachel listened. She took everything in, and the more she listened the more she knew she just wanted to cry. She thought she'd have words to say in reply, but in all honesty all her words were used up and somehow her tears weren't.

"Rachel…?"

Santana's steady, cautious voice broke her away from her inner battle, and when she looked up from her lap the expression on the kneeling girl's face told her what she already knew; that her eyes were full of tears, her mouth twisted in an attempt to hold back a sob, and she looked three seconds from a complete breakdown.

"Shit, Rachel, I-"

"Can you please just hold me…?" forced out the singer, her throat tight and the words coming out small and weak and a little desperate.

She expected some hesitation. Somehow she expected rejection, or at least a question of why. But in the time it took her to have all those doubts Santana was already shooting up and wrapping her arms around the girl tightly, pulling Rachel in close to her chest and bringing her onto her lap.

The dam broke. Everything she had been holding in since Santana walked out her door four weeks ago came flooding out. Her body was wracked with sobs, she couldn't stop shaking, and yet, despite how erratic her lungs were heaving and how much snot and tears she was sure she was getting on the other girl's uniform, Rachel could feel her chest start to loosen up.

For the first time since it had all began the sobbing singer actually started to feel like she could _breathe_. As though, for once, the tears were doing their job, and washing all of her worries and fears and bitter thoughts away.

And Santana just held her, rocking slowly back and forth. It was the best feeling in the world, Rachel decided. Santana was warm, and solid, and completely surrounding her in a way that almost felt too good to be real. Was this real? Was she just imagining it all? Would she wake up in her bed in a few seconds, more broken than ever?

Then she felt something wet and hot hit her neck.

Tears, but not her own, she knew.

She felt a shudder from the girl embracing her, and before she could even mentally acknowledge that Santana was crying, soft, desperate whispers were hitting her ears in warm, shaky breaths.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, _so sorry_," was being repeated over and over like a mantra.

Rachel didn't know what to say in return; her words were still gone, and even if she had them back she didn't think she'd be able to get them out between the sobs and the whimpers. So instead she clung to Santana tighter, hoping to reassure the girl through touch in the same way Santana was reassuring her.

Neither girl knew how long they stayed like that, Santana sitting on the bench and Rachel sitting on her lap, just holding each other physically as a way to hold each other together emotionally. As the smaller of the two girls began to calm down, she pulled back just enough to look at Santana, who had also calmed. Rachel reached up a hand from where they were both clenching the material of the cheerleader's front, and wiped some of the tear tracks away with the pad of her thumb. Santana smiled, choking back a laugh and pulling the girl into her lips.

The kiss was desperate, like everything else had been up to this point; there were still a few last things to be said between them, after all.

But it felt right, and real, and it anchored Rachel into the reality that she wanted Santana and Santana wanted her and maybe she could even come to really want Brittany and-

When they finally broke apart Santana spoke, voice soft but confident. "Let us take you out. Brittany and I. Let us- let us woo you, or something. Anything."

Rachel couldn't help but smile, her eyes still glistening with tears. The smile was tiny; a shadow of its former self. But just like the kiss, this moment, it was real. More real than any of the smiles she had forced over her features in weeks. "O-okay. Okay, yes. I think- no. I would. I would like that. I would like that very much."

Santana leaned in again, this time pressing her lips to Rachel's softly. It wasn't so desperate, and barely more than letting her lips slide over and under and across the smaller girl's, but it was _perfect._ It made Rachel's heart pull itself back together as her lungs expended without restriction and her ribs eased themselves back to a relaxed state. This time it was Rachel who broke away, but she didn't go far. She rested her forehead on Santana's, looking the other girl in the eye and giving her that same, real, if watery, smile. Santana just grinned, chuckling.

"I love you…" she whispered, a hand coming up to glide her fingers through the diva's soft hair.

Rachel laid a light kiss on the corner of Santana's mouth and replied back just as quietly, "I think I could love you, too."

* * *

_((A/N: And that's a wrap! Is it bad that I can barely force myself to read the other chapters? I just skip right to this one… Anyway, hope it was worth it. Twas a fun, angsty journey and I mainly just hope I kept things relatively realistic and in-character-ish. Also, I now have a perfectly lovely Berritana-verse to use at my leisure.))_


End file.
